I did something empowering this week. This is going to sound really silly, so please, bare with me.
I bought new pants.
This isn't important because I'm celebrating the smallest size I've ever been in, or even my ideal size. This is important because I walked out of that store with a pair of pants that fit my NOW body.
I'm celebrating because, after 2 back to back miscarriages, I am finally in a place where I am loving the skin I am in. This didn't happen overnight, and requires a little backstory..
After Ziggy (now 4) celebrated his first birthday, for the first time in my life, I began a journey to self care. Growing a human from scratch, birthing him and sustaining his life is no small feat. And as someone who spent the bulk of their adult life as a yo-yo dieter, negative self talker, who dealt with stress by way of alcohol and cigarettes, this was the start of a really important journey.
In a nutshell, the last 3 years looked something like this;
→ Began prioritizing self care, taking time for self daily
→ Started building my health coaching business while teaching full time
→ Weened Ziggy from breastfeeding
→ On and off of birth control, trying to find one that didn't make me cray
→ Quit smoking after 19 years
→ Quit taking birth control. That shit is cray
→ Train for first half marathon
→ Run first half marathon
→ Resign from teaching job, commit to my Health Coaching practice full time
→ See dozens of doctors as I search for an answer to missing cycles, irritability, brain fog, skin conditions, chronic digestive discomfort
→ Get no answers
→ Take a stand for self and health. Research like a mad woman.
→ Identify gluten as food sensitivity for my body
→ Period returns for the first time in 7 months
→ Digestive discomfort resolves
→ Begin studying Holistic Health
→ Take actionable steps daily to reduce stress
→ Begin slowly gaining weight
→ Hair and nails start growing again
→ Train for first half trail marathon
→ Run first half trail marathon
→ Become pregnant!
→ Lose pregnancy
→ Celebrate Christmas and ring in the New Year
→ Become pregnant again!
→ Lose pregnancy
My body has most literally been on a hormonal roller coaster since Ziggy was born. It's effected the way my body responds to stress, my moods, my metabolism, my cycles, my weight, and my pant size. The emotional and physical weight of it all can be a real mind f*ck.
Feeling like you have a postpartum body, with no baby, sucks. It sucks to feel like your body is broken. It sucks to look in the mirror at your naked body and feel like your body failed you. Twice. It sucks to feel like you're just left with the "leftover" physical and emotional weight of what could have been.
And to get from this place, to where you make a choice to proudly step into the bigger pant size, was a long journey.
Self love is a tricky thing.
It requires some deep inner work. It requires the right support. The right questions. The right care. The right reflections.
Especially after years of defining yourself by a number (on a scale, in a pair of pants...) and defining a big part of your self worth around your physical body. It feels SO.FREAKING.EMPOWERING to truly embody MY body and all that it can do.
This body creates miracles daily. It picks up my baby body. It embraces the people I love. It allows me to think, and learn, and grow. It runs marathons. It BREATHES and MOVES. It creates life. It sustains life. It heals. It grows.
It is a miracle to have a body!